Friends jumped the shark

Results spread widely among the 200-plus episodes in the past 10 years. Top vote-getting episodes:

... With the Prom Video (Feb. 1, 1996). Home video shows Monica and Rachel's senior prom.

... With the Embryos (Jan. 15, 1998). Phoebe undergoes procedure to become a surrogate mother.

... Where Everybody Finds Out (Feb. 11, 1999). Phoebe uncovers Chandler and Monica's relationship.

... When No One's Ready (Sept. 26, 1996). No one's ready to leave for Ross' black-tie affair.

... Where Ross Finds Out (Nov. 9, 1995). Ross kisses Rachel for the first time.

... With All the Resolutions (Jan. 7, 1999). Ross wrestles with leather pants.

Source: USA TODAY and USATODAY.com survey, 962 respondents

I have always thought that Friends jumped the shark after season 5, so I feel vindicated by this poll (All of these episodes are pre-season 6).

To be fair, some parts of post season 5 Friends were enjoyable such as the Ross/Charlie/Joey/Rachel Quadrangle and comedy-wise, the show didn’t start to really really go downhill until season 7. Otherwise it was unfathomable to me that I was seemingly the only one who noticed the near static character development, and the increasingly far-fetched plots.

For example,

Monica = louder and much more much consumed with her mild to moderate obsessive-compulsive disorder

When I watch episodes like “The One Where Joey Speaks French”, I literally cringe. Not only is it very un-funny watching Joey (Matt LeBlanc) butcher the French language, but it’s fucking encouraging and contributing to xenophobia in the USA (Aside from WWI & WWII, I really don’t understand why people don’t like the French as opposed to say…. the Americans).

And of course, that awful awful Ross & Rachel reunion in the Friends Finale.

Yet somehow, after season one, Friends was consistently in the top 5 for ratings.

Meanwhile, shows like Angel and Family Guy got awful ratings leading to their eventual cancellations (in the case of Family Guy, TWICE!)

At the same time, a great and critically acclaimed show like Arrested Development has to rely on grass-root campaigns just to stay afloat because FOX might not renew the show for a third season. (saveourbluths.com) (getarrested.com)

Vic, how would you describe the majority of Friends’ audience?

“These are the kinds of people who shovel food into their mouths for hours and can't tell you one thing they just ate. They seem incapable of analysing or even detecting the subtlies of things, and even contemplating doing such things hurts their head just a bit too much.”

Jerry Springer Rejects

Imagine an off and on again couple. Here are the highlights of their relationship:

- They had a child together. The guy had a kid from a previous marriage

- They went out for a year before breaking up. The driving force in the break up was the guy’s intense jealousy.

- They managed to drag their close friends into their messy break up.

- The girl was a factor in the collapse of the guy’s second marriage

- Due to a series of escalating events, the guy and girl ended up getting a quickie marriage. Then a quickie divorce.

- Despite 7 years passing, the guy still exhibits that intense jealousy, but the guy and girl decide to give their relationship another try anyways.

If you saw these 2 people on Jerry Springer, you’d say “Give it up you trailer park trash!”

But if you saw this on Friends, you’d say “Awww, they were meant to be”

Yup, I’m talking about Ross and Rachel.

Those statements are undeniable facts. Don’t believe me about the 7 years jealousy statement? Watch “The One With Princess Consuela” again. Watch Ross when Rachel mentioned that she went to lunch with Mark.

“Ross: I hate Mark!
Chandler: My time machine worked! It's seven years ago.

Ross: (angrily to Rachel) Oh, yeah, I'm sure he'll give you a job, maybe as his SEX-cretary!”

What really aggravates me is that this faux couple continually stole thunder from the real loving couple in Friends: Monica and Chandler.

Friends spoilers ahead but a) you’ve seen the show or b) you don’t give a shit

Chandler & Monica

In season 5, the relationship blossoms and culminates in a near marriage in “The One in Vegas”

Ross & Rachel

Who cares about C&M, R&R just got married in a drunken binge!

Chandler & Monica

In season 7, they finally got married

Ross & Rachel

Who cares about C&M, Rachel is going have a baby!

Chandler & Monica

In season 10, they worked their asses off to adopt a child

Ross & Rachel

Who cares about C&M, when are R&R going to get back together?

Remember

On Jerry Springer, they’d be trailer park trash

On Friends, they’d be a couple that was meant to be

Am I the only one who isn’t surprised by the 37% divorce rate?

Conformity and Obedience

“A few decades ago American social psychologists were interested in proving that someone like Hitler could never rise to power in the United States. After all, our country was founded by people who broke away from a tyrannical monarchy and later, its tough pioneers pushed the frontier from the Atlantic, across the Greats Plains, over the Rockies and the Sierras, and dumped it into the Pacific Ocean. So, the folklore has it that we’re a nation of such rugged individualists that we could never be squeezed under the thumb of a ruthless dictator. To add a little scientific leverage to this idea, Drs. Stanley Milgram and Solomon Asch marched off to their laboratories to gather data and spin theories.

Asch tested the participants in his now-classic experiment by having them, one at a time, sit around a table with six other people and compare the length of a standard line to three other lines – one of which was an obvious replica of the standard line. The experimental task was to decide which line matched the standard. Unbeknownst to the participants, the other six people at the table were actually working for Dr.Asch and had been primed to give the wrong answer. Answers to the line-matching task were given out loud, going around the table.

What happened when several people answering before the real participant picked what was clearly the wrong line? Almost one-third of the people tested ignored the information staring them in the face and conformed with the group – they also picked the wrong line! Who forgot to mention the story about rugged individualists to this group?

Milgram put a little added juice in his equally-classic study: Each participant was told to give an electric shock to another person, at the researcher’s command. The experimental task was structured so that each participant was asked to give progressively higher shocks, and the other person was in another room. Again, the other person was actually working for the researcher, and the “shock” was fake, but conditions were extremely realistic and appeared to fooled virtually everyone in Milgram’s study.

Milgram was testing to see how many “normal” people would deliver a “lethal” shock to another person simply because an authority figure (the researcher) told them to. The real shock in the Milgram study lay in the results: About two-thirds of the people tested in Milgram’s experiment followed all the experimenter’s instructions to deliver shocks – past the point where the other person cried out, pounded on the walls, begged for mercy, and then stopped apparently dead!

With two straight out fast ball strikes against the non-conformist, was science proving that we are just a bunch of weak-kneed conformists who were as cowardly as the people who carried out the orders of any past dictators?

Not exactly, although these experiments blasted the original hypothesis of unshakable American independence right out of the water. What was demonstrated by these studies, and all the follow-up research projects they inspired, is the formerly inconceivable power of social forces such as conformity and obedience. What we know now is that a lot, if not most, everyday people will follow the lead of their follows – no matter how convincing the physical evidence to the contrary (think of the Asch study). We are also forced to face the frightening truth that most of us blindly obey “authorities,” no matter how heinous their commands (think of the Milgram study)”

Randell J. Strossen, Ph.D wrote the last 7 paragraphs, not me. Whereas, Strossen was setting up his point of not blindly listening to others in the gym, I’ve got my own plans….

Good Buy: Ironmind: Stronger Minds, Stronger Bodies

Consolidation

General: How are our defenses?

Advisor: Fully operational for the time being sir, but…

General: But what?

Advisor: At this current rate, our defenses can only repel attacks for another 2-3 years before they fail.

General: Give me a visual

Advisor: This is a satellite photo of our current position. Currently the enemy is attacking from the east. Our positions are in black.

General: Our defenses do seem a bit weaker here.

Advisor: That is correct sir. Computer, magnify the image 100 times.

General: I see we still have pockets of defense along the border.

Advisor: True, but as you can see, the pockets are weakening.

General: It’s clear that we will have to adapt our defenses. Do you have any suggestions?

Advisor: Computer, load the computer simulations.

We can stretch our defenses out, but…..

General: That ultimately weakens our position.

Advisor: Correct, sir. I don’t think this defense would last, so we shall look at our other alternative.

General: I see. We give up our positions in order to consolidate our defenses. Perhaps this is our only realistic course of action.

Our objective is now clear: hold out as long as possible, but we shall drop back and consolidate when the time comes.

Skillz

“Y, ye, ye aaaaaawwww yeeeaaahhh!!! Master, sir, did you just see my MAD SKILLZ?”

~ Hammer (Xenogears)

Honorable mentions of video game skillz:

1) Some NBA game (PS one)

Summary: Never played the game before, but I destroyed Nima by dunking almost every offensive possession.

2) Soul Caliber 2 (Gamecube)

Summary: Little knowledge of the game mechanics and moves, but I managed to reel off a 5-10 match win streak over Victor. However, to be fair, Vic was using a character he was not familiar with (otherwise he could’ve easily kicked my ass. Back then at least. haha)

Best demonstration of video skillz to quiet the haters

Game: Mario Kart 64 (Nintendo64)

Summary: I beat Brian Fraser in 1vs1 battle mode in the block fort stage (pre-UBC days).

What happened: Right off the bat, I got the 3 green shells power up and I proceed to crash into Brian, who had no item equipped. In Mario Kart, when you get hit , you bounce around helplessly for about 2-3 seconds; I used this opportunity to methodically back into Brian 2 more times to finish him off.

Total game time: 20-30 seconds.

The Big Deal: There was some kind of discussion about my skillz beforehand, which lead to this match. That shut the doubters right up.

Arguably my best demonstration of video game skillz of all time.

Game: Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast (PC)

Summary: I dominate the LAN deathmatch session at arcade night (Jan 7, 2003)

What happened: Everyone used lightsabers. I used guns. I won pretty much every match or at least, placing second or third, when I occasionally didn’t win.

The Big Deal:

a) This was my first time playing Jedi Outcast, so I didn’t know [lightsaber + force powers >>> guns]. I eventually played thru the single player in summer 2004.

b) Three of my peers (you know who you are) had reportedly beaten the single player game already.

Personally I think those 3 guys used cheats to finish the single player mode because they didn’t know simple things such as the ability to automatically block blaster shots with a lightsaber.

c) Some of my peers had extensive FPS and deathmatch experience on the PC whereas the bulk of my FPS experience came from Goldeneye and Perfect Dark. This still holds true to this day.

Despite some humiliating deaths via Force Grip and my disadvantages, I still kicked major ass.

Most satisfying demonstration of video game skillz

Game: NFL 2K3 (Gamecube)

Summary: I crushed Jowen 24-0 and 27-0 (Mar 3, 2003)

What happened: First time playing the game for both me and Jowen.

Except

a) I have played other football games and know general football rules and strategies

b) Jowen hadn’t played and knew shit all

It wasn’t so much that I played well; it was more like Jowen played really bad.

For example

a) Third and long. I go for a Hail Mary. It’s blatantly obvious. Boom. I somehow convert for the first down anyways.

b) Returned a punt for a TD, despite breaking zero tackles and using no special moves aside from speed burst.

The Big Deal: Thanks to the defeats and my endless stream of smack talk, Jowen ended going home to cry.

Save some water for the whales

"How often do I have to change my Brita Pitcher filter?

When used in Brita Pitchers, filters should be replaced every 40 gallons (about every two months for the average family). "

40 gallons = 151 L = 2.5 L per day.

Do you drink 2.5L of water every single day? Then why change the filter every two months?

But Ed, if we don’t replace the filter after 2 months, we might drink bad water and die!!

Grrrrrrrrr

1) Get a container with a known volume (ie. 4L milk jug). Fill with water.

2) Instead of filling the Brita pitcher with tap water, fill it using only the water container. Repeat until the container is empty.

3) Refill the water container and make a mark with a non-water soluble marker. After 36 marks, you will have used 144 L of water. It is now a good time to change the filter. If you wish, you may another system of recording the number of refills.

Are you still too lazy to follow this simple money-saving process?

Well my friend, it is people like you that are contributing to the decline of civilization with your sloth.

Paper-Shaped Fluff

“Hey! Wait!

I've got a new complaint

Forever in debt to your priceless advice

Your advice”

~ Kurt (Heart-Shaped Box)

Beginning

What’s the similarity between these two magazines?

Different month. Same shit.

Middle

1) Go into any gym. Find out how many guys that can legitimately bench 205lbs x 6.

By legitimately, I mean

a) Not using a smith machine.

b) Lowering the barbell all the way down to your chest. Not halfway.

c) Lowering the barbell under control. Not dropping it.

d) Not bouncing the barbell off your chest and using the momentum to complete the rep.

2) Go into a grocery store. Find out how many MILF’s are in the store.

..........That's what I thought

End

Remember

Different month. Same shit.

Good Download – Hardgainer Magazine Issue #80