Lucie in the sky with diamonds

Or in spandex lying on her back

Writhing.

I was there.
And I wasn’t on LSD.

Cum as you are

Britney Spears




Demi Moore




Jennifer Lopez




Pamela Anderson




Ashanti




Christina Applegate




Cameron Diaz




Mira Sorvino




Christina Aguilera




Yasmine Bleeth




Alicia Silverstone





Can you now see why the porn industry is a bit reluctant to switch over to HDTV?

Crush on you

Waaaay back in Feb 12, 2002, someone sent me an “A Crush On You.com” valentine’s email.

Basically, the email leads you to another web site where you attempt to discover the identity of your secret admirer by entering their email address.

Damnit. I think I must’ve entered every single Hamber email address into that damn thing. Then I figured I was duped by someone on 3^rd floor.

The main suspects:

Nima
Angry Dave
Karl
Derek

One of these nights, I hope that the perpetrator is kept awake at night by the sound of my cries.

(the email has been forward to noporns@gmail.com. Password: gimmee. "Fwd: Someone has sent you a valentine")

How to pick up hot chicks

Avoid grocery stores.

Really.

I’ve only ever seen a couple of hot chicks a few times at best. And that includes that really hot chick who worked in Extra Foods during my tenure there.

This leads to my hot chick/grocery store unified theory

1. Hot chick’s boyfriend does the grocery shopping.
2. Hot chick tricks heterosexual male(s) into grocery shopping for them.
3. Hot chick doesn’t eat that much, thus retaining her hot, yet non-anorexic body.

Best of You

“Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?”

Part 1

Ask someone to run a lap around the track.
Ask them to give it their humanly all in this run.
Ask them afterwards whether they actually gave it their humanly all.

Most people would say “Yes. I sure golly did. I gave it 110%”

Then again, most people are idiots.

Part 2

Ask someone to run a lap around the track again a few days later.
But this time, point a gun at their spouse, parents, family or friends.

“Ok. If you don’t run faster this time, I’m going to blow open their skull”

Most people would run a bit faster if not much faster.
Most people think they’re giving it all, but in reality, they aren’t even close.
Most people think 110% effort is some kind of light switch that they can flick on whenever they want to.

It’s not.

Notable pussies

My second longboat team (2004). They must be real proud of their half ass effort in the final.

A certain ping pong player. You know it.

Notable non-pussies

Victor “My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children” Ho. 3 words: Storm the wall.

I EAT CHILDREN

Blog notes v.050802

I thought of this new blog title at work. Seemed catchy to me.

I've also ditched the U2 solider boy in favour of Eva Unit 01.

Killing the diet industry

Meg: Wow Brian, have you lost weight? You got to tell me your secret

Brian: here’s a hint…. PUT DOWN THE FORK. FACE!

How to lose weight

1) Eat less calories.

2) Exercise more.

3) Do jumping jacks in the sauna for a couple hours. Make sure to wear 3+ layers of clothes.

Take the scientific approach: Record the amount of #1 and record the length of #2. Not losing weight? Do more of 1 and 2 until you do.

I claim no responsibility for any of the consequences of #3.

It’s really that simple. But people are always looking for those “but there must be someway I can get my daily Mcdonalds fix?!” and “does playing Half Life 2 count as exercise” loopholes.

Grrrrr